so my brother says to me:
1. i am valued for my deep and profound thoughts and thoughtfulness. through conversations and samples of my writing, he believes that i am a good writer and an extremely thoughtful person. my thoughts run deep, are thoroughly thought through and provide a lot of valuable insight to whatever the subject is of my endless pondering.
the problem is that i don’t see the value because i am hindered by my belief in my inability to think quickly on my feet, to respond and engage immediately in the conversation. i need time to think and solid period of reflection to carefully think through every detail before coming to a conclusion or even just to develop an opinion about the subject. he says that i let myself believe that this flaw negates or nullifies my gift in my ability to think thoughtfully and profoundly.
2. i am patient and relatively even-tempered. this is something valuable in the field setting, where quick reactions, such as anger or aggression, to inflexibility or bad situations may be potentially destructive. it is better to keep a level head than to take action irrationally based on emotion. so, in a way, my lack of aggression, my natural reserved personality, allows room for scrutiny, analyzing, and eventually a better opportunity for feasible solutions to form and play itself out.
however, sometimes i pent things up for too long and explode unexpectedly, which could be dangerous and backwards. a demotion of my maturity and reputation.
3. i question my faith and my walk with God, my spirituality. i am not satisfied with where i am now in my walk with God, and i desperately cry out to him for help. i ask him to help me seek out his will and purpose for my life. Guh secretly appreciates and is glad that i am rebellious to the pop-culture of the suburban US lifestyle. at least i am open and honest about my faith, i express doubt and insecurity. but this actually goes to show that i care about God and my spiritual wellbeing. in the end, God judges the heart.
the problem with living in a sheltered life is complacency and easy satisfaction found in convenience, friends, warmth, food, money and entertainment. but i am suffocating, oppressed by the powers of wealth and materialism.
i gotta change my context, remember the larger picture and thank God everyday for the blessings that he has already granted me with; remember that expeirience i had in DC and remmber that now.
thank you, God. i love you forever and ever, amen.
| — | Anaïs Nin (via imfantasyparade) |
